Oh, those beautiful family moments, when all of our mindfulness goes to shit…
It’s really hard to apply all of my previously learned mindful and conscious principles particularly regarding a very difficult situation I have in my own life: FAMILY, whether it be gatherings or dynamics, in general.
Ooohhh no…it’s not easy…it’s damn near IMPOSSIBLE! Deep breath….
OK, it seems a bit less hard and a bit more realistic.
I think we can stay wise and “sober” in front of pretty much any situation, except the ones that deal with our own family. I say: if you want to meet yourself, go and live with your family. I don’t know anyone who has a really great relationship with their parents, brothers, sisters, uncles, etc….
Of course, there are some. I just haven’t personally met any. And I’m far from being an exception. You know why? From what I’ve learned and previously observed, our families are our biggest and most honest mirrors of all. Let’s think about this. The reality is quantum, so whatever you have inside – you see outside. Or, to be more precise, it most attracts your attention. (It’s actually a pure science, check out my article “We see what we are ready for” for my opinion about amazing quantum discoveries and how our own mind filters the incoming information according to our beliefs, expectations, and desires).
So, whatever bothers you the most about your own family, whatever drives you nuts, whatever hurts you the most, is a big (most often, exaggerated) reflection of you.
Oh, no, no! I’m totally different!” – you might say. “She/He is obviously wrong, because….” (and here comes a long list of “objective” reasons for her/his improper behaviour).
Let me stop you right here. And this is what I do during my actual sessions too.
Before moving on, ask yourself…no,
ask your body, by listening to your feelings, what you truly want to do:
- Is it just talking/venting, or, in other words, nonproductive complaining about the situation?
- Or are you 100% willing to change the situation?
The first case is completely normal, as long as it doesn’t last forever.
It’s important to want to express yourself either by talking, writing or through physical movements.
There’s a difference between complaining/gossiping and expressing/liberating yourself. The difference lies in your intentions.
Just be honest with yourself while doing it: do you like talking about someone being wrong/rude, etc because it makes you feel soooooo right? Or are you just letting it all out, observing and accepting the emotions you feel on the way (even if they are ugly), but understanding that this is not the solution yet, and you want to feel truly free inside from the weight of those emotions?
The second choice means that you are ready to change.
IMPORTANT: It’s NOT about changing another person.
Even if you are 100% right and he is 100% wrong.
It’s NOT about convincing him of your truth.
The change concerns your feelings inside. YOUR. FEELINGS. ONLY.
As long as you’re trying to change someone else, you’re doomed to live in eternal conflict. As long as you stick to your “rightness” and another person’s “wrongness”, you will be in a rut.
CHANGING. STEPS TO TAKE.
I Change the Focus & Give Up
So, if you’re truly ready to change the situation, it’s important to change your focus from what’s outside of your control (another person’s behaviour, feelings, etc) to what’s in your control (your own behaviour and feelings).
This is a very painful step because it involves our Ego.
By accepting the situation, therefore letting it stay as it is, we are consciously putting our Ego centred mind on the side and choosing the way forward outside of its reach. It hurts, I must say.
It takes time getting used to it. It’s life changing, after all.
“I hung up my phone after another tough call with my mum. We weren’t arguing. She was almost crying while talking about a conversation she had had with my brother. He sees her once a year, and each meeting takes away many years from her life. I felt it in my chest: anger, sadness, and above all else: overwhelming helplessness. Such a strong and heavy sensation, my body is almost paralyzed…After awhile, after long talks with other non-involved people and deep thoughts on my own, I found enough power to shake off all of those emotions (physically and mentally). Swallowing the situation is unfair and painful as it is. Letting it be. Accepting my helplessness. And as a result, I realized that if I truly want to help them, I need to help myself first. Feeling complete and realistic is a much more effective state, rather than hurt and broken. So…with a deep breath…I bring the focus back on my feelings. Letting go of the details: who’s right and who’s wrong. No matter what happened, how does this situation makes me feel, overall?”
Forget about the facts.
Focus on your emotions. How does it make you feel? If you’ve passed through the previous step and “gave it up”, by letting it just be as it is, then you’re already feeling much better. Allow yourself to take a little break, and just enjoy this relief. You’ve done a lot already, so enjoy your deserved rest before achieving another goal.
II Intention & technique
Now, I suggest that you are able to make a clear intention, that you’re ready to feel better and to be free from those tough emotions. Again, it isn’t about changing the situation or changing another person. It’s about making ourselves feel good first and foremost. Feel and visualize how you’d like to feel once it’s over. Think about it by spending 5-10 minutes on it today. Don’t plan for a week or a month ahead. Think only about today.
What did you do for your last vacation? Which month was it? How was it? Where was it? Who did you see? Give me details: names, the weather, places, etc. I’m not kidding!
….aaaand that’s how you turn your focus away from your intention.
It’s very important NOT to think about your intention every second of the day, but rather to allow your mind to do the work after you have clearly and concisely stated what you want.
When you do so, you open your mind to seeing the opportunities that can help you to feel better (when you’re always thinking about your goal, your mind is closed.) The next step would be to try different ways to deal with that situation, in the most comfortable way for you at the moment.
Before you look for something that will make you feel good, at that point, it’s important to find the methods that can change the situation for the better.
WHAT HELPED ME
Triune Brain Technique, Family Constellations, and EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique): these therapies/techniques are what personally helped me the most.
Before: I didn’t sleep well, I was severely angry and/or felt extreme sadness towards a certain situation/person, on a scale from 0 to 10, it was definitely 10+.
Now: I feel normal. Not super happy, not “nothing”, just fine. I can talk about it without any strong negative emotions reacting within me. I feel good.
It’s up to you to find the method that works best for you. Just remember: the stronger the emotions, the harder it is to see the big picture and to deal with this on your own. So, do ask for help, if you truly wish to feel better.
Let me know if you’re interested in knowing more about the methods that helped me.
Either way, it all starts with an intention (for setting an achievable intention and to then succeed, I suggest taking a look at my webinar. For now I’m just talking about general principles regarding the strategy for success).
And remember, don’t put the blame on others. Forget about what happened and who did what, focus instead on how you feel and deal with that. I can promise you 1 thing: YOU’LL BE SURPRISED HOW THE WORLD AND THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU WILL CHANGE.
I wish you all the best.
Merry Christmas and an AMAZING 2017/2018 or whatever year you are reading this in, for all of you!
Webinar recording: Achieve What You Want in…
Featured image courtesy of: https://unsplash.com/@brookelark
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